I’ve been absent for the last couple posts and decided to throw you a lifeline. I’m not dead…
The last year and a half has been a very difficult time, and I sincerely believed it couldn’t get harder, until it did.
I’m going through a transition, (a flowery way of saying my life is burning the fuck down). I’ve had to make some major adjustments to get myself back on my feet, which has interrupted my creative pursuits. Not just sewing, but all my creative endeavors have been put on hold, and in their place I’ve been working around the clock at a smorgasbord of bill-paying jobs. Not the best way to feel fulfilled, or even at ease, with your life.
I feel like my abandoned sewing station has become a great reflection of my mental state. A graveyard to ideas, potential, and unfinished business.
…and burnt out light bulbs. Seriously, nothing in that picture has a working light bulb. I had to use a flashlight the other week to see tiny stitching because for some reason that seemed like less effort than walking 5 minutes up the street to the store.
I kept looking at it, hoping to eventually return and catch up on the growing to-do list.
I kept adding to the pile, burying things deeper and deeper, and small tasks began to morph into overwhelming feats. This station of fun was suppose to be a shrine to my enjoyment, and it’s been shrouded in stress and anxiety. If I’m being honest, though, that’s been my entire home for the last few months.
So this week, I ‘made’ space and time.
Anxiety is the result of feeling like you need to fix everything all at once. Turns out I don’t, but I did commit to pick one small thing and do only that. I organized a big storage closet and went through all the long forgotten bags and boxes.
I uncovered so many keepsakes and mementos from my life. Things that were a part of me that I had stashed away because they didn’t seem to fit the life that was being built around me.
My problems aren’t fixed now because I’ve hung up an old picture and have more closet space. I still have to work my 5 jobs, pretend I’m happy when I’m not, and get out of bed. But it did signal a shift to me.
For months I’ve been living in this weird limbo. Of not bothering to take care of some of my basic needs, because the pointlessness of it was looming over me. What did it matter if my home wasn’t clean, if there was nothing on the wall, or no food in my fridge. It’s hard to care about the little things when the big things you did care about are a smoldering pile of ashes.
One step leads to another, though, and it’s true that the only way out is through. There’s a corner of my home that’s dust bunny free and that makes me feel 5% better than the day before and so I feel encouraged to do another corner.
Hopefully I’ll make my way to this mess…
…so that next week I can show you something I really made and spare you all the icky feelings.